Author's Note: As I was diligently concentrating on writing Chapter Four of "Returning Favors" this weird piece of fluff popped in my head so I decided to share it with you. I thought parts of it were pretty funny, but it's mostly bizarre. Some of it was inspired by a review requesting that Hilde be in my story, heck she was already penciled in for Chapter 6. And yes, the real Chapter Four is almost done!
The Great Romance Debate
A Different Fanfic by YamchaOtaku
Scene: The posh fanfic writing office of Miss YamchaOtaku, or Miss Otaku for short.
Miss Otaku is hard at work trying to finish chapter four of her Gundam Wing fanfic, meanwhile, Duo and Quatre are bickering over whyChapter Four is all about Quatre.
Duo: Hey, I'm the star of this fanfic, aren't I? I should be in this chapter somehow!!
Quatre: Well it is Chapter Four, and Quatre means four, so therefore this chapter should be all about me!
Miss Otaku: I see your point Duo, but Quatre did me a little favor so that's why Chapter Four is all about him. You're in all the rest of the chapters.
Duo: So that's why the stupid thing is called "Returning Favors"? What did he do for you anyway?
Miss Otaku: Well he let me have Rasid to be my butler and make me coffee. Rasid makes the best coffee in the world. (yells) Hey Rasid, let's have another pot of that coffee on the double and bring four mugs!
Duo: Yeah, I can't top that. Rasid does make great coffee.
Linnea Lang (my fanfic character): You bet, we sure drink a lot of coffee together in Chapter Four, don't we Quatre. I'm in every chapter and I get to get my hands on lots of Gundams, I'm loving it!
Quatre (smiling happily): Yep!
Suddenly, someone bursts into the office, nearly knocking over poor Rasid and his pot of delicious coffee.
Hilde: Look at this, I have proof!! (She is holding out a computer printout)
Miss Otaku: Oh, hello Hilde. Proof of what?
Hilde: This person wants me to be in the fic with Duo, not her (points to Linnea).
Linnea: Why you little . . .
Hilde: Don't start with me you non-existent little . . .
Duo: Now girls, girls, you don't have to fight. Miss Otaku is right, the God of Death is so fabulous he needs more than one love interest. Shinigami is too much man for any one woman to handle.
Hilde and Linnea look at him with their mouths hanging open. Then they look at each other and roll their eyes.
On hearing Duo's comment, someone new enters the office, it's HEERO YUY!
Heero: Duo's right, no mere woman can handle him. He's all mine! Eat your hearts out girls. (Heero makes goo-goo eyes at Duo.)
Miss Otaku: There'll be none of that going on in my office Heero. I'll fix you! (She picks up her phone and dials the Cinq Kingdom).† Hello, is this Pagan? Yes, this is Miss Otaku calling for Miss Relena, please tell her that a certain Gundam pilot is here at my office. I promised to let her know if I saw him.
Pagan: Excuse me Miss, but could I ask you a question?
Miss Otaku: Shoot!
Pagan: Why isn't Miss Relena in your fanfic?
Miss Otaku: Be patient, she'll be in there. Hell, Hilde will be in there too, just keep reading. Bye now.
In the distance we hear Relena shouting: HEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOO Heero turns pale and tries to hide.
Relena: HEEROOOOOOOO, where are you???
Hilde and Linnea point behind the couch and Relena drags Heero out and starts molesting him. Everybody laughs.
Quatre: How come no one ever does that to me?
Miss Otaku thinks fast and suddenly Lt. Noin pops into the office. Her eyes light up at the sight of Quatre.
Lt. Noin: Come with me little boy to my disco for young and restless pilots. I'll make a man out of you. I just can't resist blondes. . .
She drags him off and we hear Quatre say: Me and my big mouth.
Duo and Heero: Lucky bastard!
Rasid enters with an engraved invitation for Miss Otaku on a silver plate.
Miss Otaku reads aloud: You are cordially invited to a hot tub party with T. Khushrenada and Z. Merquise. We would like to discuss why we should be the stars of your fanfic. Feel free to bring along some friends, the hot tub seats five. No Gundam Pilots please.
Miss Otaku: Woohoo, I am there! Now the mystery of whether Treize is wearing swim trunks in there or not can finally be solved.
Hilde and Linnea: Bring us, bring us!!! Zechs and Treize are real men, I bet they shave and everything!
Duo and Heero: Hey, we heard that!
Hilde: I have a big bottle of rose bubble bath in my purse.
Linnea: We can stop on the way and I'll steal a bottle or two of champagne. Duo showed me how you know!
Miss Otaku: Sure why not. (Hilde and Linnea high five each other, forgetting all about the unfortunate Duo)
Duo: Hey, that's not why I showed you how to steal champagne!!
Heero: We can't let those girls go to a hot tub party with Zechs and Treize. They'll tell them all our secrets and betray the rebellion and stuff like that! I say, let's shoot 'em! Besides they want my Duo. He's my Duo I tell you, not theirs!
Relena: Now Heero, the only one you should be threatening to shoot is me. You know I get jealous when you threaten to shoot other girls!!
The girls, except Relena, leave for Treize's hot tub temple.
Duo: How come I had two girls and now I don't have any???? (He sulks)
Wufei and Trowa enter the office.
Wufei: Where's that weak fanfic woman?? I want to know why Nataku and I aren't in this story yet!
Trowa: That was my question almost exactly, except the part about Nataku.
Duo: Oh yeah, she mentioned something about that. Trowa, you have a small, but pivotal role in this story and Wufei, dude, she just can't figure you out, so we'll have to see. I bet you just get a cameo role.
Trowa: Small, but pivotal. Cool. Well I'm going back to fanfic.net to read that Circus story, I'm the star of that one y'know! (he leaves)
Duo and Wufei look at each other, bored. Relena continues molesting Heero.
Wufei: I know we can go out and wash, wax and detail our Gundams. It's been awhile since I gave Nataku any special attention!!
Duo: Eh, I guess DeathScythe could do with a wash. By the way Wufie, it's just plain weird that you call your Gundam Nataku. You don't hear any of the rest of us calling our Gundams pet names. What's with you???
Wufei: (scowls menacingly at Duo) Don't diss Nataku!
Relena: I think the relationship between Wufei and Nataku is sweet! Heero, from now on I want you to call your Gundam RELENA!!!!! It'll be so romantic!
Will we ever find out what Treize is wearing in the hot tub? Did Lt. Noin make a man out of Quatre? Will Heero call the Gundam Wing the Gundam Relena from now on? Find out the next time characters start talking to me when I'm trying to write serious stuff!
The (kinda) Great Romance Debate: the sequel
a different fanfic by YamchaOtaku
Author's Note: Here's more and you better believe this is just as silly! Thanks to my pal the Great Saiyagal for helping out on this one
As we left off last time Miss Otaku (that's me ^_~), Hilde and Linnea were on their way to Treize Khushrenada's Hot Tub Temple for a, um, little get-together.
GW Narrator Guy: That intro totally sucked! Let me do it, I'm the pro.
Miss Otaku: (blinks at Narrator Guy) Go for it buddy.
GW Narrator Guy: Thank you, ahem. The year is After Colony 195. Treize Khushrenada, commander-in-chief of the OZ special forces has invited certain members of the colonial rebellion forces to a secret location for important discussions concerning the portrayal of his character in the chronicles of the war . . .
Lady Une: Whatever, let's see your invitation.
Miss Otaku: (hands over the invitation while Hilde and Linnea peer at Lady Une hopefully from behind her back)
Lady Une: Alright, you're in. Let's go. By the way, I hope one of you brought Treize-sama some rose bubble bath!
Hilde: Check! (holds up bubble bath victoriously)
GW Narrator Guy: HOWEVER (he's always gotta say however dontcha' know!), the rebellion forces were after some secret information of their own . . .
Linnea: I can't believe we're finally going to find out what Treize is wearing in there! I've been dying to find out for what seems like weeks (glares at Miss Otaku).
Lady Une: (glances over her shoulder nervously at the three)
They finally reach the Hot Tub Temple and . . .
GW Narrator Guy: I'll take it from here. Lady Une was determined to keep Col. Treize's secret, HOWEVER, Treize, being the consummate gentleman soldier he is, stood up at the appearance of his female guests . . .
Lady Une: (drool)
Miss Otaku: @_@ (blush)
Linnea: @_@ (blush)
Hilde: Awwwwww, how sweet, he's wearing little rosebud boxers!! Adorable!!! Oops, I was supposed to keep up the suspense and blush wasn't I? Sorry.
Linnea: (smacks her upside the head) You fool!!! Next time read the script. They weren't supposed to find out about Treize's cute lil' boxers until our next segment.
Hilde: Do you want a knuckle sandwich?
Linnea: (sticks out her tongue at Hilde)
Meanwhile, back at Miss Otaku's posh fanfic writing office, Heero Yuy is trying desperately to disentangle himself from the clutches, err I mean loving arms, of Relena Peacecraft.
Heero: (spits out a hunk of Relena's hair that got stuck in his mouth) That's it, keep sleeping. . . (he tiptoes outside to see Duo and Wufei just finishing up washing their Gundams.)
Heero: We've got to get out of here while she's still sleeping! You guys are with me right! Right?
Duo: Sure, Heero, where do you want to go?
Heero: I still say we have to go to the Hot Tub Temple and stop those girls from talking to Zechs and Treize.
Wufei: TREIZE!! Where's Treize??? I want to kill him. C'mon Nataku.
Duo: I don't know about that, but I wouldn't mind a good long soak in that hot tub after washing DeathScythe. That thing is huge you know and it took forever to clean . . . yeah, I'm in.
The three take off toward Treize's Hot Tub Temple in their Gundams.
Meanwhile, Trowa has snuck back into Miss Otaku's office and past the sleeping Relena. Trowa has a secret vice only hinted at in our last episode. Trowa is addicted to fanfiction.net!!!
He starts reading some of the humor stories and all of a sudden our quiet little Trowa is LOL! Ha ha ha, Spaghettio's!!! He laughs out loud so hysterically that he wakes up Relena.
Relena: Heeeeerrrrrrrrrroooooooo? Hey..... (looking at Trowa), y-you're not Heero? who are you?
Trowa: My name is Trowa Barton and could you please be quiet I'm trying to read here. (he continues snickering)
Relena: Well, (she hesitates having already forgotten his name), um, Bang Boy, yeah Bang Boy, have you seen Heeerrrrooooo?
Trowa: Nope and the the name is Trowa, not Bang Boy.
Relena: Whatever. What are you reading anyway, is it about Heeeerrrrrooooo? (she glances at the screen over his shoulder)
Trowa: Could be, you see, anything can happen in fanfiction, it's really cool. So leave me alone and let me read this!
Relena: Give me that mouse, I want to read a story about Heeeeerrrrooooooooo and me.
Trowa: No way, I'm reading about me (they struggle over the mouse).
Suddenly Relena gets a strange feeling. A relentless, undeniable feeling. She lets go of the mouse and turns and looks behind her.
Quatre is standing in the doorway. But it's a very different Quatre than when we last saw him. His shirt is unbuttoned all the way and his vest is casually slung over his shoulder as he strikes a seductive pose. Relena's jaw drops.
Quatre: Hey baby. You want me, you know you do!
Relena: Y-you're right. I think I do!
Trowa: Keep it down back there, sheesh . . .
Back at Treize's Hot Tub Temple
Treize: (pours Linnea yet another glass of champagne) Soooo, do you think you could build me a Gundam??
Zechs: Me too! Me too! I want a Gundam too!
Linnea: Hmmmm, I dunno, just gimme more champagne. It's better than coffee!
Treize: (thinks to himself) Yes, just one more glass and she'll be in my power mwahahhahahah, cough, cough, mwahahahahahaha, ahem . . .
Hilde: Miss Otaku, you owe me $5. I told you Zechs would be wearing his mask and you took that bet.
Miss Otaku: (hands Hilde the money) Well, a girl can hope can't she? I figured he'd take it off for this occasion.
Miss Otaku gets an idea!
Miss Otaku: Yo, Milliardo!
Zechs/Milliardo: Did someone call for Milliardo? (he takes off his mask)
Miss Otaku: (makes goo-goo eyes at Milliardo) You, my fine hunk o'bishounen are definitely going to be the star of my next fanfic!
Treize: . . . she says that to all the guys!
Yamcha: (appears for no apparent reason) You're my otaku and you never finish your fanfics about me. I feel so used, I'm going home to mother ::sob:: (as suddenly as he appeared Yamcha disappears)
Miss Otaku: That was strange! He should be grateful that I use my fanfics to spread the holy name of Yamcha, oh well, back to the story. . .
Everyone looks up in the sky and says: It's a Gundam! Actually, it's three Gundams.
GW Narrator Guy: HOWEVER, three young men (without ruth ^_^ ) and the deadly power of their Gundams crashed the hot tub extravaganza . . .
Lady Une: Please, please let me kill the Narrator Guy!
Wufei: (pulls out his sword) Treize! Prepare to die!
Treize: (hops out of the hot tub and Lady Une hands him his trusty sword)
Wufei: @_@ You-you're wearing boxers, boxers with little, tiny rosebuds on them. I-I can't fight you like this!! (he falls to the ground and bangs his head and fists on the ground in frustration)
Duo: Hey, I see an open spot in the hot tub. BANZAI (he jumps in)
Treize: Excuse me but that happens to be my spot!
Duo: Well, just squeeze in anywhere.
Treize: See the sign, bucko! Maximum capacity of this hot tub is five! Fine, Zechs, you're out.
Milliardo: But, but, but, Treize, I can't get out! (blushes)
Hilde: (giggles) I bet Zechs, errr, Milliardo doesn't have rosebud boxers on!
Miss Otaku and the only slightly tipsy Linnea slide ever so slightly away from Milliardo, errr Zechs, umm whoever.
Duo: (puts his arms around all the girls protectively) I'll protect you ladies!
Heero: This is ridiculous! Wait a second, I'm getting a strange feeling about Relena...it's as if my psychotic connection with her has been broken.
Wufei: (stops banging his head on the ground) You mean psychic connection, don't you? (resumes banging head on the ground)
Heero: Nope, it's psychotic. I gotta go save Relena, but Duo, looking so cute in hot tub, no must save Relena. Aww crap! (he hops in his Gundam) C'mon Wing, no... c'mon ......... RELENA! We must save Relena!!!
Meanwhile back at the fanfic office:
Quatre: (snaps his fingers and the song Let's Get It On from the Dr. Evil/Frau Farbissina love scene in Austin Powers comes on. A disco ball descends from nowhere) Do I make you horny baby? Yeah do I?!?!
Relena: His, his mojo, or whatever you call it. It's even broken through my Heero-induced stupor . . . Take me Quatre, I'm yours!!
Trowa: Amazing, she remembered somebody's name beside Heero!
Relena: Shut up Bang Boy!
Trowa: (grumbles and goes back to reading his fan fiction ignoring the um, activity going on behind him)
Lt.Noin, meanwhile, gazes approvingly upon her latest graduate....
Next time, if there is one, I have no control over this stuff you know! Will Heero and the Gundam Relena save Relena? Does Relena even want to be saved? Will Hilde and Linnea combine their funds to send Duo to Lt. Noin's disco for young and restless pilots so he can get some of that Quatre mojo? Will Treize ever get back in the hot tub? Will Lady Une let him break the maximum capacity rule? Does anybody care?
The (kinda) Great Romance Debate: The Last Laugh
by Midii Une (Miss Otaku or is she?!?!!)
Authorís Note: Hmm, Iíve got writerís block, only silly stuff in there, gotta get it out. So, itís back again! The (kinda) Great
Romance Debate: The Last Laugh. Itís no longer a debate or even kinda great. But what the hey . . . itís basically a
whole lot of dot, dot, dotting and exclamation pointing!! Ack, there I go again . . .
Ohhhhhh, BTW, the phrase Gundam Shagrock (c) is used courtesy of the Great Saiyagal, to whom, according to her, I do
not give enough credit. Gomen nasai oh great one!
Great Saiyagal: Damn right I donít get enough credit!!!
Miss Otaku/Midii Une: If the Great Saiyagal could type she would rule the world, but, alas, she cannot.
On with the story:
When we last left the GW gang some were basking in Treizeís Hot Tub, but not Treize cuz Duo snookered his spot when
Treize tried to duel Wufei while wearing his boxers . . .
Quatre was about to seduce Relena, but Heero was on his way to save her . . .
Trowa was reading fanfiction . . .
Treize: (lips trembling and big blue eyes starting to water) Someone get out right now!! Itís my hot tub and I want in!!!!
Milliardo: (blushing) I would Treize, really I would, but you know . . . I just canít. Itís a matter of decency, this fic is only
Miss Otaku: I can change that if you want Milliardo (wink, wink).
Milliardo: (blushing again) N-no, not again. Not another NC-17 with me as the star!! (looks heavenward for someone to
save him from the evil-scary pen of Miss Otaku)
Lady Une: I have an idea Mr. Treize. (she whispers in his ear)
Treize: (grins evilly, looks puzzled a moment, then mutters to himself) Hmm, what did she say again?? Ohhhhh yeah.
Look everyone itís an FCV!!! Wow. Oh joy. Would you believe it? An FCV!!!
Lady Une: . . .
Duo: . . .
Hilde: . . .
Linnea: . . .
Milliardo: . . .
Miss Otaku: . . .
Wufei: (stops pounding head on pavement a moment) . . .
Treize: (notices their puzzled looks) Oh, I mean . . . Look itís a Frozen Confection Vehicle!!!
They all continue to stare blankly at him until Lady Une loses her grip!
Lady Une: An ice cream truck, dammit, he means an ice cream truck!!!
Duo: (shrieking at an unearthly pitch) An ice cream truck!! Ohhh Shinigami LOVES ice cream!! DAMMIT, SHINIGAMI NEEDS ICE CREAM!! (He jumps out of the hot tub and starts begging for money)
Duo: Hilde, Linnea, Miss Otaku, somebody!!! GIMME MONEY, FOR GODíS SAKE GIMME SOME MONEY!!!!! GIMME SOME MONEY!!!
Treize: (starts looking through his wallet for small bills and finally pulls out a $100 bill, with His Excellencyís picture on it
of course ^_~ and hands it to Duo) Here, this is the smallest denomination I have so I expect change from this Maxwell
.. . .
Duo: Yeah, yeah, whatever!! LATERZ!! (he hops in DeathScythe and starts tracking the unfortunate FCV, err, I mean
Frozen Confection Vehicle, umm, ice cream truck)
Treize: (says to himself proudly) Oh Treize you wily dog you, itís so easy to fool a Gundam pilot!! Iím so glad I thought of
that! (chuckles wickedly and hops back in the hot tub)
Lady Une: (rolls her eyes and grumbles) Hmmmmmmmmm . . .
Meanwhile back at Miss Otakuís fanfiction office . . .
Relena: Ohhh Quatre, youíre an animal!! I-I canít believe it!!
Quatre: Yeah baby, you know it!!
Trowa: (covers his ears with his hands and leans closer to the computer screen) Would you two keep it down!!
Heero: (bursts in brandishing his gun) Relena, Iíll save you from -- from -- from Quatre?? Save you from Quatre?? What
the hell kind of crazy fanfic is this??? Hey, wait a minute, there is a certain something about Quatre now isnít there?
What could it be??? Oh my gosh!! Quatreís got mojo!! Thatís just wrong.
Relena: (practically purrs) yeahhhhhh
Meanwhile, parked outside Miss Otakuís groovy pad, Gundam Sandrock is eying the Gundam Relena (formerly the
Gundam Wing). . .
Sandrock: So, youíre a girl now, huh? (wink, wink, nudge, nudge)
Gundam Relena: Donít even think about it 04!!! Things will be back to normal soon, then Iíll blast you!
Sandrock: (sweeps Gundam Relena into his, its, whatever, his arms and dips her, it, whatever) You can call me Shagrock
beautiful! Kiss me baby!!!
Gundam Relena: (practically purring) Crap, Iím unable to resist him, it, oh whatever! Ohhhhh Shagrock, you are HOT!!
Heavyarms: (whispering to self) I am not seeing this. I am not seeing this. I am NOT seeing this.
Everybody shield your eyes: ITíS MECHA LOVE!!!!
ahem, sorry bout that . . . back to the story . . .
Heero: (gets an idea to distract Quatre) Hey Quatre I have a mission for you, but no, wait, you wouldnít be interested in
a mission involving say, a hot tub, scantily-clad women etc. Nah, Iíll just leave you here and handle it myself!!! I can deal
with Treize Evil at his Evil Hot Tub Lair all on my own . . .
Quatre: Wait a tick!!! Did you say hot tub, scantily-clad women and Treize Evil????? This is a job for Quatre Winner,
baby, yeah!! Mission accepted, most definitely. (drops a stunned Relena on the floor and hops into the Sandrock, errrr, I
Sandrock/Shagrock: ummmm, I donít think I like the sound of that, besides wasnít I busy doing, a-hem, something???
Miss Otaku: (appears out of nowhere) No, you werenít busy, that was just an aberration. That thing with you and
Gundam Relena never really happened. Or did it? Mwahahaha. (disappears as suddenly as she appeared)
Relena: Quaaaaaattttttrrrrrre, come back! Waaaaah . . .
Heero: (pats her comfortingly on the head) There, there Princess. The bad man is gone. Heero is here now.
Relena: Heero? Whatís a Heero???
Trowa: Iím still trying to read here so BE QUIET!! Hmmm, so in this story, Quatre and I have a kid, together? Oh man!
(rubs his eyes in disbelief) Iím not seeing this, Iím not seeing this. Iím NOT seeing this.
Authorís note: (Yep, thatís your story Maria Rocket, write more, write more!!)
Meanwhile Duo has caught the FCV, err I mean Frozen Confection Vehicle, yes I mean the ice cream truck, and is
deciding how to spend his $100 in Treize money. The poor FCV pilot, err ice cream truck driver, is terrified because DeathScythe is holding the FCV hundreds of feet above the ground while Duo makes his order . . .
Duo: Letís see I could get 100 single-dip cones, but theyíd melt before I could eat them all, hmmm. I could get 50
double-dip cones but I bet theyíd melt too . . .
FCV pilot: (sweatdrops)
Back at the Hot Tub Temple (aka Treize Evilís Evil Hot Tub Lair)
Everyone looks up . . .
Everyone: Itís a Gundam!
(People everywhere that are playing the GW drinking game take a big gulp of liquor.)
Hilde: @_@ Oh my . . .
Linnea: @_@ . . . sweet Lord . . .
Lady Une: @_@ . . .I-Iíve never . . .
Wufei: -_- What the hell? Itís only Quatre.
Miss Otaku: This should be interesting!
Lady Une, Hilde and Linnea: QUAAAATTTRRRRRE
Quatre: (shrugs) Women love me!
Milliardo, Treize and Wufei: What the . . .
All the girls glomp on Quatre and try to shove each other away from the object of their affection.
Hilde: Ouch, hey, I saw him first . . .
Linnea: Get away, you have Duo. Hey that hurt . . .
Lady Une: Iím older and smarter than both of you. He will be mine. Owww, no hair pulling . . .
Milliardo: What a battle. Iíve never seen anything so violent and never seen any combatants as determined as those
Treize: I once thought war was beautiful but this changes my mind. I think Iím gonna be ill.
Wufei: (trembling a little) And I thought all women were weaklings. How wrong I was!!!
Quatre: Later ladies, later. Iím here to stop Treize Evil.
HOWEVER, Lady Une bonks Hildeís and Linneaís heads together, rendering them unconscious!
Quatre: Whoa, smashing baby. Ha ha, I made a pun. Shall we shag now or shag later?
Lady Une: (pulls her hair down from its braids and removes her jacket) Now AND later, Quatre. Now AND later!! And you
donít need to worry about Treize Evil, without me heís powerless!
Treize: Hey, I heard that!
Quatre and Lady Une ride off into the sunset in Shagrock.
Wufei: Now thereís something you donít see in every fanfic.
Zechs and Treize: We can be thankful for that!
Meanwhile Duo is still trying to decide what to order from the FCV . . . Frozen Confection Vehicle . . . ice cream truck . . .
Duo: Ah hell, just give me one of everything and a portable Gundam freezer to keep it all in!
FCV pilot: Y-yes sir, and please, put me down gently.
Duo: Whoops! Well, thank goodness I saved all the ice cream!
The end, yes really, itís over. Stop reading this and go read something else, Ďk!