I do not own Gundam Wing or it’s characters or any of the lyrics from “Les
Miserables” by Boublil and Schonberg. Lyrics appear in italics.
On My Own
a songfic by Midii Une
And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to
Without a home, without a friend,
Without a face to say hello to.
She’d told him she did it for her family. Betrayed everyone, appearing in their midst like a plague maiden of old, throwing him back out into the world alone again. Too late, too late she realized what she’d done to him. What she’d done to herself, let herself become. Someone who would throw away love.
It took her years, till the end of the war, to get home. All Midii had wanted for so long was to get back home again, feel her Papa’s thin weak hand on her hair, hear his voice tell her she was just like Mama. Was it too late, she wonderd to be his sweet, innocent little girl again, his angel? She swallowed, fear touching her heart as she stared at the dark, shabby, little house. He had forbidden her to go away but she had slipped out in the night. She knew how desperately they needed the money, so desperately that even her childish heart was aware of the hopelessness of the situation. Unless someone did something.
Hunger and fear and love were enough to make a child do anything, hurt anyone.
She crept up the dark stairs, hearing her father’s raspy breathing. Midii moved quietly into the room. She had learned stealth, knew how to move quietly. She had been a quick learner, a natural.
“Papa,” she said, her voice straining eagerly, her lacerated heart begging for love and forgiveness.
The man, old beyond his years, started in surprise at the voice. His faded blue-gray eyes widened at the sight of the young woman slumped wearily in the corner, the pale blonde hair and the familiar slim figure. His wife, his beautiful wife . . .
“I’m home Papa,” Midii whispered. “Please, forgive . . .”
Disappointment and anger filled the man’s heart. His wife was never coming back and the daughter he had loved had been nothing but a traitor, a girl who betrayed and lied without a second thought.
“Get out,” he said, turning his face to the wall. “I have no daughter. She’s as dead as her mother.”
Midii gasped and fled, running until she was alone in a field. Alone. Again.
And now the night is near
Now I can make believe he's here
Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head.
She sat straight up in bed, his name on her lips, his face emblazoned on her mind.
Midii went to the window, her fingers tracing the light raindrops that slipped slowly down the glass. Like tears she thought, not feeling the warm salty drops that slid down her face exactly like the rain on the glass.
The streets were empty. It seemed like no one else on Earth was awake but her. She knew the thought was foolish. Of course somewhere there were other people like her, awake and tearful, plagued with the memories of loss and pain and regret.
She pulled on her jeans and and shrugged her arms into a long taupe trenchcoat. Her slight figure was lost in it and she huddled inside as she locked the door behind her and bounded down the stairs full of energy and expectation despite the heaviness of her heart, the misty rain and the late hour.
Midii dug her hands deep in the pockets of the coat and her fingers touched the cross she kept there. Her talisman. She used it to call him back to her, her imagination conjuring the picture of the man she had seen once, the man who was the boy she had loved. Her family wanted nothing to do with her, the memories of the boy were all she had left.
A smile curved her lips and her blue-gray eyes shone with inner happiness and a sense of peace. She wrapped her arms around herself in the coat and walked along slowly and dreamily . . .
On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone, I walk with him till morning
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me
“Midii, at last,” he said, pulling her close in his arms. She sighed and rested her head against his shoulder.
“Trowa,” she murmured, love and contentment making her warm inside. She never wanted this to end.
She looked up at him and he looked back, his green eyes full of love and forgiveness. He shone like an angel in the darkness to her, bringing her salvation for her sins. He held her close and whispered into her hair. “I thought I’d never find you again. I’ve realized at last that I have always loved you. We’ll always be together, now that I’ve found you.”
Ecstatic happiness threatened to bring tears to her eyes and made her heart flame with urgency as she wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his chest, his hand stroking her hair comfortingly, his voice promising eternal love and devotion. But there was no need for tears she reminded herself. He was here with her now. She had to hold on tight and make it last. The image faltered momentarily but she blinked and continued walking again. She felt his strong arm around her as she walked along next to the man she loved and wished for with all her heart.
Midii’s lonely footsteps echoed on the wet street that shone under the streetlights as she walked alone in the darkness, her face glowing as she shut out everything around her that wasn’t a part of the dream.
In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever
The gray, damp, dismal night was beautiful as she walked along the path of crumbling concrete by the river, the lights glowed in the mist and were reflected in the water. She had seen the world but this was the most beautiful place she had ever been. Because he was with her.
She could see their whole life before them, all the happiness she had ever wished for and chased after in her hands at last.
Every morning she would wake up beside him and his kiss would be the last thing she felt each night as she fell asleep in his arms. It would be like heaven on Earth and if God never forgave her for all that she had done she would have her paradise now, with Trowa.
The mist disappeared almost like magic, leaving the stars twinkling against the black velvet sky between the bare branches of the trees. Like diamonds. She could see the golden band, the tiny gleam of a diamond on her finger. His hands lifting the lacy veil and feel the soft touch of his fingers on her face . . .
And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us
Deep inside reality twisted like the beginnings of a headache pulling her away from him. She clung tighter and his arm tightened around her a moment as the darkness on the horizon started showing gray.
The feel of him next to her started to fade inexorably and she stumbled over an uneven spot in the path, catching herself awkwardly.
“Trowa,” she cried, grabbing onto his arm and clutching it tightly, shaking her head a little as she looked at her own hand clenched tightly, the nails digging into the palms.
He would never see her love for him, never, she thought dazedly. And she would never have the courage to tell him. Her sad eyes looked around at the strange streets, not knowing how she had walked so far without even knowing.
She was a closed chapter in his life, if he ever thought of her it was with hate or disgust, never love. If he looked at her, if he ever saw her he’d never know how she loved him, had always loved him. If he could only see how much she loved him, then, perhaps . . . no, she squared her shoulders and shook her head. It could never be, he would never forgive what even her own father could not.
I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers
She stood staring at her empty hand as the sun rose on the horizon, too distraught by the end of her fantasy to want to find her way home. A pale, sickly sun casting a dull white light on the ugly streets and on the river in which debris from the storm floated.
Someone bumped into her, making an impatient sound as the girl tripped over her own feet, falling to the pavement and scraping her hands on the rough concrete. She knelt there and stared at the blood on her hands. It was because of that blood that he would never love her.
I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known!
She remembered her glimpse of him a year or two earlier. He’d been with a laughing girl. A cheerful, beautiful woman with auburn curls and a beautiful, gentle smile. She herself had hidden in the shadows, her heart in her throat, as the girl teased him until a faint smile finally showed on his face. Her eyes had memorized him hungrily, this chance encounter with the boy she had thought was lost forever. He was lost to her. He had found someone, found a home. She was the one who was alone now, alone and homeless with a name that was a curse because of the things she had done.
The memory of his eyes, eyes that could be as hard and unfeeling as a pair of shining emeralds, kept her away, kept her from revealing herself to him that night or ever.
He would never know, she would never tell.
Midii drew the cross out of her pocket, the blood on her hand speckling the dull gold. She stared at it, the sound of a pair of gunshots echoing back from the past, before closing her fingers over it and walking back home again.
I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own.